Decision making, Fear, Confidence, wisdom

I weigh 65 again!!!

Again at 65 kgs mark on weighing scale I don’t know whether I have gained weight or lost it. But I know this certainly that It was not that how I looked at my self or how I felt. It was never about “me”. It was always about how others perceived my weight, my looks and what others felt about “my body which they considered as me”

Hey you look great!!!” said she, an old friend when we met after a couple of months. Mmmhhh (assessing weight ! ) have you reduced almost 4-5 kilos? Yupp 👍 this was me weighing 65 kg… again.

Few years back…..

On a pleasant day, three happy ladies in their thirties, were roaming in a Hypercity mall, looking 🛍 for nothing actually. Me and my two friends, quite confident of our looks and social status, were looking at the young girl and boys passing us. They were chatting and laughing loudly, busy in discussing about some contributory party, calling it TTMM (Tu Tera Mai Mera = you yours me mine). We had more money but still felt little jealous too…. Cause, such happening things were not there in our city when we were young. It was like none of us wanted to grow up and we were forced to do so. Anyways that’s life….was in our thoughts, which all three of us grasped silently looking at each others expressions.

Further we saw a group of ladies, possibly middle aged, coming out of a small cafe after their kitty party 🥳. They were also talking loudly (like the younger group) but the topics were changed as……..”you have gained weight, I am going Zumba now a days to reduce weight, ‘X’ beauty parlour is the best…..they do corrective makeup and so on…” Miserable!!!! Are looks everything to them? Again a silent expression and conclusion (ahh we are better) along with a tint of happiness.

We were walking and also judging others as ‘how this guy is dressed up or how that girl is leaning shamelessly on her friend… so many thisssss and thattsssss’. There was a free weighing machine outside a fitness accessory store, and guess what? Hhhh 😊 ladies never waste any chance to use Free things. So? So obviously we checked our weights and then the whole world turned dull…. 😟 believe me, it happened. I was weighing 78 kgs!!!!!! It was like all happiness and confidence melting down. Immediately I felt that I am Not looking that good as I was thinking. How is this possible? I do a lot of household core and also am a working girl….correction…..lady…..woman. So how it happened to me? (as if it’s an infectious disease 🧐). Same was happening to my friends, they were also like plus sizes….. again a silent conversation and we decided to leave after this incident (I also realised that day that we were really good friends and three times on the same day we communicated without uttering a word….thankful to God)

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Rethinking about the whole day I had serious discussion and arguments with my self and finally got some answer to what happened? Here it is “Putting on weight slowly slowly was kind of family tradition for us. We considered it as a sign of ageing 🙃. Yesss, NOT obesity but ageing!! So it was just okay with me while I was gaining maturity weight!!! I was never skinny but always had a balanced height and weight ratio. Physical stamina was also good being a sports person in school days. Additionally being slightly dark toned, weight and vanity were never my concern.

But…. is it really that Simple ? Is it that I don’t bother how much I weigh? How do I look!!! Since it was a slow process it was late when I realised that I am obese, touching 80 kgs in late thirties. “Looking at mirror, feeling embarrassed 😩, pointing the extra layers of fat here and there…losing confidence….(this was me a few years back when my weight increase to 78 from 63 kgs).


Coming back to the same “Hey you look great!!!” Complement, 👍. More confident and 😊 happy, this is also me weighing 63 kg… again. So weight and confidence are inversely proportional !!! Super conclusion this time. she asked me how I managed to do so ? How I got time for myself with all the responsibilities as a wife, mother and a working woman 👩 (no correction from girl to woman, I have accepted my age). “Yes it was tough to lose weight…….I joined gym, started cycling, controlled what and I how much I ate and above all constantly reminding my self that I am Obbbbbeeessee (Motu)” was my answer. To which she added “it’s good that you could do all these, let me see if I can also shed some kilos, but it is more difficult in my situation” ( she felt that she is still obese).

While we were talking on all the weight and look issues and how happy one feels on reducing weight or wise versa becomes unhappy 😔 on being called “Motu” (fatty). I also remembered the days when I use to weigh only 52 kgs at the time of my marriage, still was considered fat. Initially, when I gained weight, 58 kgs something, after my first child was borne, it was really difficult for me to find beauty in me. Slowly everyone got accustomed to the changed look 👀, often teasing about it. I would ignore the comments on my body and think that it is absolutely okay to be little fatty😉. But after my second child was born, the weighing scale started showing 68 kgs. Now it became more difficult to ignore those comments on “how I am looking” . I thought of doing exercises and planning my routine, but nothing happened. I was very busy in managing home and work front and raising kids. So now with increasing weight, my feelings were, it is fine in my situation and somehow I was able to justify my weight gain, which gradually touched 78 kgs mark. With this much weight other problems like short breathing and sleeplessness accompanied obesity. I decided to do some physical exercise daily and was determined to do so. Eventually my health improved and weight reduced to 65 kgs. So I was looking better again, as others would complement or at least would communicate by their gestures. The 65 kg mark on weighing scale was once a problem for me but now it was a complement.

Again at 65 kgs mark on weighing scale I don’t know whether I have gained weight or lost it. But I know this certainly that It was not that how I looked at my self or how I felt. It was never about “me”. It was always about how others perceived my weight, my looks and what others felt about “my body which they considered as me”

Is “looking good” so important? FAT OR FIT IS SLOWLY BECOMING FAT Or CONFIDENT! Or worse FAT Or BEAUTIFUL!! Why Reducing weight (being fit) is related to confidence or when it should be correlated to health? Now, I could also figure out that “how this “Good looks” mindset have become the driving force for fitness and beauty industry. Are not we becoming 🎷 🎺 instrument in hands of others just to look good?

Above all do we want to LOOK GOOD or we want to BE GOOD? hardly we people are thinking about BEING GOOD ACTUALLY.

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