Are you trying to “manage” or “deal” with your child/children……?
Is your child stubborn…….??
Do you feel disconnected from your child…..???
Is parenting that tough…..????
Do you feel your child is not understanding you…..??????
Is your child/children not talking to you…..Not interested in talking to you….????????
The list may go on…on and on…, these questions lasts forever, whereas it must be “love 💕 or diamonds 💎 ”
Being a mother of teenage kids as well as mausi, mami, didi, kaki…. and teacher to many boys and girls of different age groups, I felt there are too many questions, that people might not ask….but surely want to know the answers. “Parenting is really tough” I here it quite often. We are supposed to be fit in all roles right from a cook, cleaner, manager, ATM/pay Cheque, medical help, tuition teacher, guide, friend, fighter, spiritual visionary to instant troubleshooter to qualify as good Mom and Papa.
These days parenting is done with “management”…..you must be good at home, smart in public, able to buy as many new things as they are showcased and also perceived as good Maa or Paaa in front of the friends of your kids as well as your parents. This creates a hell lot of pressure….as we have to be good all the time (in all the ways mentioned above). Politeness and focus on the overall well being & education of the kids is equally expected. Believe me, when I go through all this, I want to express my sincere gratitude to my parents and elders who could love ‘me’, who were able to cope up with my troublesome nature and even more dangerous tantrums.
Based on my own experience and learning of “Universal Human Values” here are some simple ways to understand parenting. Hopefully it will be helpful in “qualifying” as Good parent.
- Be a child first…..To understand what your child feels, expect from you, wants from the world, wear his or her shoe…Be the child first. Usually it is expected from a child to understand the situation and then react but it must be an elder who is ready to understand and adjust accordingly. Remember…..We were not the “perfect kids” too, but we are now able to do something in life. Perfection is subjective, I may find creativity the ultimate thing but my friend thinks money can buy that so it is the ultimate thing for him. You may feel that you know your child but you do not. To know your child better just be a silent observer of his/her routine. Allow him or her to make choices without being suggestive or critical – choices in food, clothes, places etc. (even if they are not right with your perspective). Interference in choices leads to interference in the thoughts and this end-up into the interference in the personality. To have a fair idea of what your child wants, you have to understand what he/she feels.
- Create acceptance in air….Children are afraid of exposing in front of others so they hide. They are afraid that they may let you down if they do this or that, so they lie. They are afraid of being confronted so they shout… No child wants to lie or hide facts or steal cake (money if grown up) or shout on parents, or be poor in studies or something else. If there is something like this happening in your home, recurrently then, you must look at the atmosphere. Are you providing enough space to express him or her without cover ? Are you trying to accommodate his/her thoughts in your pre-set mind? Are you doing such unacceptable things with others in family or friend? Honest answers to these question will help you to solve the problem, The bottom line is there must be an acceptance to the child behaviour no matter what it is….discussions can come later. ANY SUGGESTION MADE HERE MAY NOT WORK WITH YOU….You have to understand and find a solution.
- Be the first one to follow the discipline ….. This is a well-known fact that children follow parents/ elders. It’s a simple rule “Be the change you want to bring”. If you want your child to eat right – you must eat right, if you want your child to wake up early – you leave bed before him or her, if you want to your kid to study – you read books (ANY) and not be on TV or phone. Remember child is close observer of our behaviour and unknowingly follows the same (thinking it’s right if Mom or papa is doing)
- Be VERY clear what you want from your child….. we often talk to long about examples and situations, we sometimes go on on telling our own stories. Child may end up at not receiving most of it after a certain period (usually 20 minutes for kids to adolescents). So be objective in your explanation and expectations both. Don’t lose ground if he/she tries to distract you, which they often do. Don’t allow yourself or them to change the track. Be focused and clear on what you expect.
- Be Patient…..Don’t expect “change in a day” (its not magic)…...change is a slow process, anything that is hurriedly done is just a reaction which will not last for long. So be patient to wait for the change to happen. Be patient that the child will go for a reverse ride…if uncomfortable with the new change. So we have to be prepared to talk again (and again). Composed and calm behaviour will have a better impact rather than ranting endlessly that “see this happened last time also….you are not trying and so on”
- Be the motivator not Poker your child...motivation is important and it always play role. We know this but we chose to be critical rather than positive motivator. Our brain is conditioned to find mistakes but we must learn to “see the good“. Motivation means the true one. Cause, the False motivations is not at all required while talking to a kid. Even a 5 years old can understand when you are trying to do something to please him or her, so never do this with a teenager. False appreciation will reduce significance of your appreciation, so appreciate when it is really good reason. Eventually we Learn to see several really good reasons are there to appreciate.
Be Happy & Love Unconditionally….