catching up with the previous one….are my choices really mine..!!
While going to Delhi I met this girl, her sister and mother in the train, unfortunately, the train took longer than usual (6 hours more) to reach Delhi which provided me extra time to know more about this interesting but small family. The family seemed different, something(s) was not in place. The girl was attractive, young, smart, probably in teenage, but her attitude was more of a girl in her 20s. She was combing her hair several times, very careful about hygiene, her nails and skin. She was kind of not talking to her mother and brother, disowning them in a way, except when she needed money to buy food or something else. Initially, I thought it was a normal case of teenage repulsion and disagreement, which was very common nowadays. Poor mother ( I thought!!)……Mother, who was trying all she could to talk to her and be compassionate to her attitude. Though seemed too loving, but the mother in her 50s (as she looked) was a bit unusual with almost untied hair, still, have a long tail like braid, slim built, patchy skin carrying a standard expression of ‘tension’. She must have been beautiful in her own days. I was observing them with curiosity just to know what is the reason behind this scene, trying not to be obviously staring or following them. Suddenly the girl got very angry at her mother. Lady was on phone talking to a friend, complaining about the girl’s behaviour, that ‘She’ is rude, had boyfriends (sss), use to roam with till late evening, doesn’t follow her mother’s instruction, steal…. blah blah blaaaah (all of which you could not think, a mother can say on phone in the train, where anyone else could listen to her, was being spilt without even a hitch). Fortunately, I thought again, the lady was talking in a very low voice that was audible to max 2 feet, obviuously I was close enough just above their heads on the top berth. The third member of the family was a younger sister who was absolutely aloof, unaffected by all these happening around her, immersed in a game on a smartphone. She kept talking to his mother in between, trying to console and support her, though her views hardly mattered to both, mother and sister. Instead, she was telling her mother that she forgot this or that instance about ‘didi’. What was this? A daughter is most precious to her mother and daughter’s dignity is many a time considered more valuable than her life itself…(most common Indian scenario). Was this right?
The annoyed young girl climbed to her top berth, in front of me, and I again pretended to be deeply involved in my book…… Can I read that book, she asked pointing at other one lying close to me, “Prepare for Interview…….”. I gave her book, she did not smile at first…..but was looking to talk to me for sure.
Later when her mother was asleep, she asked me “do you recruit people” (very straight….).
I said yes, I run a placement agency.
She pleaded “If I can help her”, but you are hardly a graduate dear. She said she will manage the job as well as studies, but she wants to be independent. She wants to stay away from her family, especially her mother. She is dirty, unhygienic and somewhat sick mentally.
But then your family needs you more, I said.
Yes, but my mother doesn’t need me, she wants to be free….spending all the money on her own desires.
???? what about your sister??
She will also manage one day as I am trying to manage…(again a straight unexpected answer).
I asked her if she can tell me more about her, then only I can help. The story unveiled…the lady was a single mother, in job, trying hard to meet ends but was a miserable mother. She followed the upbringing guidelines of her own mother….with a long list of DO’s and Dont’s, that was really too long to follow, her mother’s ideals were suffocating to extent of depression. This all was still tolerable but the lady herself had a different set of rules for her own life. The lady acted as a ‘simple, traditional women abiding all social customs’ but was a rebel from inside. The girl in her teenage saw her mother meeting with many women and more men, not giving time to the kids even when there father was not there, (she was divorced). The young girl believed this is the way to be happy in life.. “make friends…spend money and don’t worry about the future – It doesn’t matter What You Are or What You Actually Want“. Money is something that can buy anything and everything, It is all set if you are Beautiful and Independent”
What you will do with a job, when your mother is ready to support? I asked finally.
“I want to get rid of her and her” She is dirty…. (I did not expect this straight answer).
Was the decision of this young girl right? Certainly NOT!! Then what is right? How can I or anyone tell her that What IS RIGHT DECISION in her case?????
The right decisions can never be made on the foundation of mistakes, wrongs or guilt. One has to do get rid of “what is not right…What is not required….what is not unnecessary” first, then only the correct path will be clear.
How to get rid of unwanted thoughts or incorrect attractions? We are no saints. How to identify what is not required or what is unnecessary? Any criteria? What if I have done something wrong already…how to cope up with guilt???? There were several questions that young girl fired on me…….
The first decision to take while correcting our actions or deeds is “first decide…I will decide what is right….I will put all efforts to be right and happy both” I said. There are few stages of decision making. I will try to share with you (as I learned from the philosophy of Madhyasth Darshan by A. Nagraj) and see if it can be of some help.
Stage 1: We take a decision based on past experience and assumptions about something or someone. The assumption may vary or may prove to be faulty but they always add an experience. The experience may be sweet or bitter, but they always add to our wisdom. Clinging on to the bitter feeling is a mistake…is not required…keeping the lesson is required indeed.
Stage 2: Weight the options based on your resources and capacities. Learn to “evaluate” precisely. Evaluate the options based on righteousness and happiness they are leading to. Happiness must be longlasting and not temporary. Temporary is an attraction, it can be “perceived to be good” but is it actually “good or bad” depends on the answer to these questions; a) can we talk about it openly? b) can we advise it to our loved ones? c) Is it absolute need or luxury d) Have I earned it?
Stage 3: Assume the effect of the decision that is the result…. If everything goes well what could be the result? What if something else happened which is not as per plan? The results are always good and welcomed. If it goes well the process is standardized and if it doesn’t then standardise the process again……simple.
Stage 4: Last and Most important stage of decision making is this stage. Once you are reaching to the decision, think about your responsibilities and duties in a family (home or work). Is the decision hampering your duties and responsibilities or adding to them. We all are expected to do some duties and take up some responsibilities based on our position in the family (or work). AM I RUNNING FROM DUTIES in this decision? Decide for – the decision if the answer is NO and Decide Against the decision if the answer is YES. Still if one has to take such a tough decision then all the members must be made party to the decision making and must be well informed.
“There can’t be a uniform solution to all of our problems and as we all are in different situations. We have to put our own efforts to find a solution and then customize that solution as per our own situation” This process may take time to be adept of but is a time-proven process.
Is it that easy to decide….? let’s see in the new story………..soon